What the Alchemist made me think.....

Today i was reading "The Alchemist" at work and i realised that there are so many things in life that i still need to understand.... not that i understood anything of the book actually cos it was all so confusing but wat i really understood was that i really need to understand myself first and then the purpose of my life. im trying to do that very unsuccessfully. i was just thinking about life and God and how God came to be. i mean if God made man, who made Him? i think man created God.... i guess i shud study lot more books on evolution. I'm not saying God does not exist, all im saying is that there is no proof of the existence of the almighty and i believe all religion and their inventors are probably mere mortals who understood the purpose of the world better than anybody else. but i guess we wud never kno the truth about God til He actually shows himself to us or til we die and move on to another world(if it exists). and i also want to kno if there is a Supreme Being cald God then wud HE want his children who are the people of this world to fight?? because of him?? i mean fight for other things like food or power or anything else is understandable but why create different religions?? why come down in various avatars and create disputes between his people thru various religions?? If He calls this as balancing of nature then i guess He is wrong. i mean at this rate ppl are goin to doubt the existence of God. But i believe there must be a COSMIC ENERGY which is responsible for the evolution of mankind. The UNIVERSE has always been a mystery and will continue to be so. Lets wait n watch........
For now im goin to watch the match and hope the Cosmic favours the Super Kings.......

Thank YOU GOD......

God??? if U are there, i just wanted to say thanx.... thanx for making him understand my love and thanx for helping me understand his love.... i love him so much and i want it to be the same way forever.... i want him to kno that always.... ther hav been days wen i;v cried endlessly hoping that he wud understand how much i love him and wishing he wud appreciate the things i do for him....

GOD???? Are you listening??

he hurt himself and i never thot i cud feel so much pain to c ne1 else suffer. i thot i was goin 2 die. i cannot take this God.... U bastard, all i asked u was a peaceful happy life but u r trying to take my life away from me. if something happens to him i swear wen i finally meet u(if u even exist), u better have a good reason for wateva ur making me n him go thru or i swear i'l strangle u to death or even worse i'l turn u into a human so u actually kno wat suffering really is. do u even exist?? i seriously wonder n if u do then do something to let me kno that u r listening...... okay?? but wateva u do, u shud kno i love him and il always love him.n u do one more thing to him i wont let u rule in peace.i kno its probably difficult for u, wat with zillions of people complaining and requesting n everything,, thats why i say u shud make a visit in some mortal form.come back to the world,, okay i hav a lotta things to say to u, so il write later.... I LOVE Him a lot with all my heart n U cant change that by just putting me thru shit. okay??

First Day of WORK....!

i love Him...... guess i'v said that a bizillion tyms before..... but thats all i do.... im madly in love....
so today was my first day of work.... im doing an internship at Raintree. i dunno why but english for hotel management is part of our curriculum. so i started work today and it was kind of tiring and fun at the same tym.... but i missed him a loooot.... the thing i don understand is he seemed a completely different person yesterday n now he seems totally different..... actually i feel special cos i understand he gets angry bcos he cannot have me the whole day for himself. i work from mornig til evening..... i miss him a loooooooot......... i miss talking to him..... i miss everything about him and i feel so happy to think he feels the same way........... the thing is he wudn understand my problem...... al i want is for us to be happy. i cant take it if we fight again. i love him too much for that...... i just love him a lot............. n i hope things get better for us.

All For Love............

Love,,,,,, it made me happy today.... i'm really happy. i love him for real and i know he loves me too.... after that female spoke to me about him and al i thot i was making a mistake and i was ruining her life... so i decided if i act indifferent and rude and sarcastic and tel him i dont love him and i want to leave him, i thot mayb he wud think i was too young for him and stay away from me and go back to her. the horrible thing is she loves him so much that it hurts to think abt their relationship. she tells me he loved her the same way once.... i really cant get over it. oh but i din do this because i wanted her to be happy. no way.... i'm not some saint. i just din want people to talk bad abt him. i love him a lot and i cant stand if people talk bad about him. i can say wateva i want about him but no one else shud say bad things about him. it would hurt me.
so i said rude things to him last nite while silently crying and hating myself for it..... i cried myself to sleep and this morning i told him to go die. i cried a lot.... it hurt so much. i thot he wud detest me if i told him to go die, i thot he wud think i din give a shit about him,,,, i said really horrible things to him. i din want to meet him cos i kno if i saw him i wud just melt. and thats exactly what happened. he asked to meet me just once and i went there with the intention of fighting with him and ending it al. n thats wat happened at first but then i just cudn resist and flung myself at him. i love him so much. atleast now we spoke and sorted things out. he dosen want to go back n im not goin to force him. i love him just the way he is and i really miss being with him. he told me he loves me a lot and wants to live with me forever..... this is wat i fell for at first and im falling for it again.... but i hope he doesn break my heart again. my fingers are crossed.

Love.....

Love, wat is it? i dunno i love being in love but at tyms it hurts so much that i wish i never was in love. at tyms wen im depressed i used to try writing poems.... but i gave up cos i cudn. i thot if u wer in love u automatically wrote poems and even though u neva made sense, u always made sense. like now...! wow!! i wrote something complicated..... neways, the thing is i love him a lot. i miss being with him. i just found out that he has been doing the same things that he did with her. but he swears that he din love her as much as he loves me and that now he dosen feel anything for her.. but she spoke to me and told me things that prove that he was even physically active with her till 9 months back, wen he has been in a relationship with me for 2 years. god!!! these men.... dunno how they manage these things. she told me she still loves him and she s not able to get over him and she never will.... the thing is it wud make some sense if he was cheating on her and was true to me or cheating on me and was true to her. but he is bloody two timing and he is not true even to himself. the selfish bastard has the cake and wants to eat it too. but i love this selfish bastard so much and i kno il neva b able to love someone this much. or mayb i wud. but who wud love me? i dunno if i can give al my love to someone else. mayb if i find out something about him that makes me sick, makes me hate him, then mayb i wud b able to find a life for me. but then again i'v found out so much about him and i still love him so much..... i love him wat he is to me. but i found out even that is not for real. i mean even if he was two timing me he cud'v been real to me. but no, he does the same thing to both of us. like sometyms wen we fight a lot he wud just bend down and kiss me and make it all okay. it hurts so much to think that he probably does the same thing to her. at tyms i even feel sorry for him.... like how much it wud hurt him to think about himself and how cheap he is. i mean he can get away from me n evryone else, but he cant get away from himself. he has to answer to himself someday and i kno he wud feel ashamed and guilty that day and i feel sorry for him. i love him so so so much.....
but why? why cant i get over him? why does it al have to be complicated? is being in love such a big mistake? can't i find someone who loves me for real? why do i have to love someone who doesn even care wat happens to me.....? why god?

Are you there?

U kno sometimes i feel like i'm the only person in this world goin thru al this shit. i'm angry with myself and with the maker al the tym...... sometyms life seems so cruel and i feel so lonely. i feel like nobody cud understand me and nobody cud possibly be goin thru the same as me. i think God makes me suffer so he can keep others happy. i sometyms think that god is a faceless bastard. but i kno he knows wat to do with my life and he wont get angry if i cal him a bastard. But sometyms i dont even kno if god even exists. Confusing.... why cant we have a life manual or something..... But i do think at tyms that in some corner of the world there must be some one who thinks just like me and someone who sufffers just like me and someone who is jus as confused as me.......
CHEERS.....! to that someone..... you are not alone.... i'm ryt here..... join the club..... B.T.W, are you there???

Why does it have to hurt so much?

I love him for real. but he doesn't let me do a thing. like the other day he saw my facebook profile n picked a fight cos i had so many pictures there. N then he opened my facebook account and saw i was talking to some random guy n he got pissed off. may b i made a mistake but he is turning it al on me. he says i dont love him and i dont care enuf..... its just that im so confused about wat to do with my life and it hurts so much to be in the dark. i dunno wat happened to me al these days, dunno if i did the right thing or made a mistake,,,,, i dunno wats happening to me right no and i dunno wat wil happen to me in the future. i'm in the dark. literally.

See he lives with a girl and has two kids with her and he never tells me wat he is upto n when i ask him he asks me to stop nagging him. N im so hurt and confused about this whole relationship i try to do things that will help me take my mind off what im actually goin thru. he gets angry for every single thing i do but when i get angry he tells me to leave him alone. he does not understand. i'm only 19 after all and i want to do things on my own and learn from my mistakes. i dont want someone controlling my life all the tym.... i only want him to support me and be with me always. i don kno how to tell him this cos i kno he'l b hurt. he'l say i made him feel like he has no ryts over me. if i tel him something he neva listens... he somehow ends up discerning something totally random and unconnected....
Where is my space?? i feel so suffocated. like yesterday, i was talking to my friend to clarify a few doubts cos we had our french exam today. he was talkin ty me n i told him i was goin to talk to my friend and everything and he told me he'l cal me back in 5 mins..... so i waited.... n waited.... he din cal so i cald up my friend to discuss my french lessons cos i din want to hold her up. he cald way later and i cald him bac as soon as i was done with talking to her. he din pick up. he cald in the morning and he was furios. he wudn even listen to what i had to say....... wat do i do

i do everything to make this relationship work and he does not understand... God i never knew i cud love somebody so much even though that somebody has other priorities in life and makes me feel like shit all the tym....

Confession No.1

1. My parents don't know that i'm not doing my literary criticism exam
2. My parents are under the impression that im writing my exam right now.
3. I'm not as strong as ppl think i am
4. I think this world sucks
5. I'm still madly in love eventhough my frens think im over him
6. I hate the way i still love him
7. I copied no.6 from a poem that my friend wrote
8. I told my friend she's goin thru Juvenhilistic period and she would grow out of it.
9. I don't really know what the term Juvenihilism means
10. I stole this whole concept from 'confessions of a shopaholic' and 'can u keep a secret' by sophie kinsella.