Miss HIM......

Sweetheart, where are you wen i need you the most??? i'm missing you a lot...... i'm sorry for all the things i ever said. i was wrong. wish you wud come back to me............................ love you always....................................lml

Back to square one......

We fought again. i just cant take this anymore. i love him so much and it hurts to fight with him or be away from him for even one day. but i think i have a lot to learn in and from this world. he wants to protect me and so he wants me to listen to every single thing he says. but i seriously don't see wats wrong with goin to a cricket match and staying out till late in the night. Actually he was ryt. i mean my cousin and her friend were with me and my friend was also there n he was just worried cos just 4 girls out late in the nyyt is not very safe. n my cousin is young and i was responsible for her n everything. but i apologised to him and said i understood wat he was trying to say but he needn't have fought with me for that. God n is it my fault that the driver is a big fraud?? why shud he blame me for that? its almost two days since we spoke and i was just too devastated to come online. NEway, my point is i think i'l only learn from my mistakes and im only just 19 and i have a long way to go. i think instead of trying to make me a rebel he shud try to guide me and help me learn from my mistakes...... GOD, i wish he wud understand.
TO HIM,,,,Sweetheart, if at all u ever read this sometym i just want to say,i love u and i miss u a lot.

Down n All Alone

I love him..... i miss him a lot. he does not understand anything. he does not care. if we are happy for 2 days, we fight for 2 weeks. i just hope he still loves me. everyone i know are bothered about themselves. i feel like i have no one and i feel lonely. im scared. i don wan2 b without anybody for me. but someday i wud create something for myself. but now im scared, even here, i feel so lonely. no one is even bothering to read my blog or comment on it. i guess this is how it is meant to be. thanx GOD.

Dear God......,

Thanx again......,,, i had the greatest day ever..... i love him so much.... today was so special. i was with him from morning til evening and it felt like i was on the top of the world. wish i could be with him forever n eva..... thanx again..... i will neva forget this day. i cherish every single minute i spent with him.i LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee HIM........... i hold him very close to my heart and there he will be always ;)
And i wish every single person in this world could share my happiness..............:)

What the Alchemist made me think.....

Today i was reading "The Alchemist" at work and i realised that there are so many things in life that i still need to understand.... not that i understood anything of the book actually cos it was all so confusing but wat i really understood was that i really need to understand myself first and then the purpose of my life. im trying to do that very unsuccessfully. i was just thinking about life and God and how God came to be. i mean if God made man, who made Him? i think man created God.... i guess i shud study lot more books on evolution. I'm not saying God does not exist, all im saying is that there is no proof of the existence of the almighty and i believe all religion and their inventors are probably mere mortals who understood the purpose of the world better than anybody else. but i guess we wud never kno the truth about God til He actually shows himself to us or til we die and move on to another world(if it exists). and i also want to kno if there is a Supreme Being cald God then wud HE want his children who are the people of this world to fight?? because of him?? i mean fight for other things like food or power or anything else is understandable but why create different religions?? why come down in various avatars and create disputes between his people thru various religions?? If He calls this as balancing of nature then i guess He is wrong. i mean at this rate ppl are goin to doubt the existence of God. But i believe there must be a COSMIC ENERGY which is responsible for the evolution of mankind. The UNIVERSE has always been a mystery and will continue to be so. Lets wait n watch........
For now im goin to watch the match and hope the Cosmic favours the Super Kings.......

Thank YOU GOD......

God??? if U are there, i just wanted to say thanx.... thanx for making him understand my love and thanx for helping me understand his love.... i love him so much and i want it to be the same way forever.... i want him to kno that always.... ther hav been days wen i;v cried endlessly hoping that he wud understand how much i love him and wishing he wud appreciate the things i do for him....

GOD???? Are you listening??

he hurt himself and i never thot i cud feel so much pain to c ne1 else suffer. i thot i was goin 2 die. i cannot take this God.... U bastard, all i asked u was a peaceful happy life but u r trying to take my life away from me. if something happens to him i swear wen i finally meet u(if u even exist), u better have a good reason for wateva ur making me n him go thru or i swear i'l strangle u to death or even worse i'l turn u into a human so u actually kno wat suffering really is. do u even exist?? i seriously wonder n if u do then do something to let me kno that u r listening...... okay?? but wateva u do, u shud kno i love him and il always love him.n u do one more thing to him i wont let u rule in peace.i kno its probably difficult for u, wat with zillions of people complaining and requesting n everything,, thats why i say u shud make a visit in some mortal form.come back to the world,, okay i hav a lotta things to say to u, so il write later.... I LOVE Him a lot with all my heart n U cant change that by just putting me thru shit. okay??

First Day of WORK....!

i love Him...... guess i'v said that a bizillion tyms before..... but thats all i do.... im madly in love....
so today was my first day of work.... im doing an internship at Raintree. i dunno why but english for hotel management is part of our curriculum. so i started work today and it was kind of tiring and fun at the same tym.... but i missed him a loooot.... the thing i don understand is he seemed a completely different person yesterday n now he seems totally different..... actually i feel special cos i understand he gets angry bcos he cannot have me the whole day for himself. i work from mornig til evening..... i miss him a loooooooot......... i miss talking to him..... i miss everything about him and i feel so happy to think he feels the same way........... the thing is he wudn understand my problem...... al i want is for us to be happy. i cant take it if we fight again. i love him too much for that...... i just love him a lot............. n i hope things get better for us.

All For Love............

Love,,,,,, it made me happy today.... i'm really happy. i love him for real and i know he loves me too.... after that female spoke to me about him and al i thot i was making a mistake and i was ruining her life... so i decided if i act indifferent and rude and sarcastic and tel him i dont love him and i want to leave him, i thot mayb he wud think i was too young for him and stay away from me and go back to her. the horrible thing is she loves him so much that it hurts to think abt their relationship. she tells me he loved her the same way once.... i really cant get over it. oh but i din do this because i wanted her to be happy. no way.... i'm not some saint. i just din want people to talk bad abt him. i love him a lot and i cant stand if people talk bad about him. i can say wateva i want about him but no one else shud say bad things about him. it would hurt me.
so i said rude things to him last nite while silently crying and hating myself for it..... i cried myself to sleep and this morning i told him to go die. i cried a lot.... it hurt so much. i thot he wud detest me if i told him to go die, i thot he wud think i din give a shit about him,,,, i said really horrible things to him. i din want to meet him cos i kno if i saw him i wud just melt. and thats exactly what happened. he asked to meet me just once and i went there with the intention of fighting with him and ending it al. n thats wat happened at first but then i just cudn resist and flung myself at him. i love him so much. atleast now we spoke and sorted things out. he dosen want to go back n im not goin to force him. i love him just the way he is and i really miss being with him. he told me he loves me a lot and wants to live with me forever..... this is wat i fell for at first and im falling for it again.... but i hope he doesn break my heart again. my fingers are crossed.

Love.....

Love, wat is it? i dunno i love being in love but at tyms it hurts so much that i wish i never was in love. at tyms wen im depressed i used to try writing poems.... but i gave up cos i cudn. i thot if u wer in love u automatically wrote poems and even though u neva made sense, u always made sense. like now...! wow!! i wrote something complicated..... neways, the thing is i love him a lot. i miss being with him. i just found out that he has been doing the same things that he did with her. but he swears that he din love her as much as he loves me and that now he dosen feel anything for her.. but she spoke to me and told me things that prove that he was even physically active with her till 9 months back, wen he has been in a relationship with me for 2 years. god!!! these men.... dunno how they manage these things. she told me she still loves him and she s not able to get over him and she never will.... the thing is it wud make some sense if he was cheating on her and was true to me or cheating on me and was true to her. but he is bloody two timing and he is not true even to himself. the selfish bastard has the cake and wants to eat it too. but i love this selfish bastard so much and i kno il neva b able to love someone this much. or mayb i wud. but who wud love me? i dunno if i can give al my love to someone else. mayb if i find out something about him that makes me sick, makes me hate him, then mayb i wud b able to find a life for me. but then again i'v found out so much about him and i still love him so much..... i love him wat he is to me. but i found out even that is not for real. i mean even if he was two timing me he cud'v been real to me. but no, he does the same thing to both of us. like sometyms wen we fight a lot he wud just bend down and kiss me and make it all okay. it hurts so much to think that he probably does the same thing to her. at tyms i even feel sorry for him.... like how much it wud hurt him to think about himself and how cheap he is. i mean he can get away from me n evryone else, but he cant get away from himself. he has to answer to himself someday and i kno he wud feel ashamed and guilty that day and i feel sorry for him. i love him so so so much.....
but why? why cant i get over him? why does it al have to be complicated? is being in love such a big mistake? can't i find someone who loves me for real? why do i have to love someone who doesn even care wat happens to me.....? why god?

Are you there?

U kno sometimes i feel like i'm the only person in this world goin thru al this shit. i'm angry with myself and with the maker al the tym...... sometyms life seems so cruel and i feel so lonely. i feel like nobody cud understand me and nobody cud possibly be goin thru the same as me. i think God makes me suffer so he can keep others happy. i sometyms think that god is a faceless bastard. but i kno he knows wat to do with my life and he wont get angry if i cal him a bastard. But sometyms i dont even kno if god even exists. Confusing.... why cant we have a life manual or something..... But i do think at tyms that in some corner of the world there must be some one who thinks just like me and someone who sufffers just like me and someone who is jus as confused as me.......
CHEERS.....! to that someone..... you are not alone.... i'm ryt here..... join the club..... B.T.W, are you there???

Why does it have to hurt so much?

I love him for real. but he doesn't let me do a thing. like the other day he saw my facebook profile n picked a fight cos i had so many pictures there. N then he opened my facebook account and saw i was talking to some random guy n he got pissed off. may b i made a mistake but he is turning it al on me. he says i dont love him and i dont care enuf..... its just that im so confused about wat to do with my life and it hurts so much to be in the dark. i dunno wat happened to me al these days, dunno if i did the right thing or made a mistake,,,,, i dunno wats happening to me right no and i dunno wat wil happen to me in the future. i'm in the dark. literally.

See he lives with a girl and has two kids with her and he never tells me wat he is upto n when i ask him he asks me to stop nagging him. N im so hurt and confused about this whole relationship i try to do things that will help me take my mind off what im actually goin thru. he gets angry for every single thing i do but when i get angry he tells me to leave him alone. he does not understand. i'm only 19 after all and i want to do things on my own and learn from my mistakes. i dont want someone controlling my life all the tym.... i only want him to support me and be with me always. i don kno how to tell him this cos i kno he'l b hurt. he'l say i made him feel like he has no ryts over me. if i tel him something he neva listens... he somehow ends up discerning something totally random and unconnected....
Where is my space?? i feel so suffocated. like yesterday, i was talking to my friend to clarify a few doubts cos we had our french exam today. he was talkin ty me n i told him i was goin to talk to my friend and everything and he told me he'l cal me back in 5 mins..... so i waited.... n waited.... he din cal so i cald up my friend to discuss my french lessons cos i din want to hold her up. he cald way later and i cald him bac as soon as i was done with talking to her. he din pick up. he cald in the morning and he was furios. he wudn even listen to what i had to say....... wat do i do

i do everything to make this relationship work and he does not understand... God i never knew i cud love somebody so much even though that somebody has other priorities in life and makes me feel like shit all the tym....

Confession No.1

1. My parents don't know that i'm not doing my literary criticism exam
2. My parents are under the impression that im writing my exam right now.
3. I'm not as strong as ppl think i am
4. I think this world sucks
5. I'm still madly in love eventhough my frens think im over him
6. I hate the way i still love him
7. I copied no.6 from a poem that my friend wrote
8. I told my friend she's goin thru Juvenhilistic period and she would grow out of it.
9. I don't really know what the term Juvenihilism means
10. I stole this whole concept from 'confessions of a shopaholic' and 'can u keep a secret' by sophie kinsella.

he was two timing me....

so u kinda get the picture now? ryt? ok so only one of my frens knew abt us... everyone suspected us but no one knew for sure.... i have my flaws too, i mean im not perfect or nething... once wen we wer supposed to go for a frens wedding in delhi, he had planned a trip to singapore with his daughter(he's got a 5 yr old daughter n a 2 yr old son, he's not too old) he was supposed to come to delhi n leave from ther... but before i left to delhi we had an argument n he neva spoke to me... he din come to delhi n i din kno tat he had left to singapore til my dad mentioned it to me. i was hurt.... i tried calling him n he din talk to me properly n he just kept hanging up as if he had so many things to do n he cant spend tym talkin to me.... i cried n cried, jus goin away on vacation had changed,,,, apparently he went clubbing(again my dad mentioned it,,, my mum dosen talk to him anymore n he dosen come home, but my dad talks to him and they meet somewhr outside.).... he had promised me tat he wudn go clubbing without me... oh no... im not the possessive-follow my rules bitchy type of girl friend.... i neva askd him to promise me anything... i told him he cud do wateva he wanted n i wud give him his space but he on his own promised me tat he wudn do anything without me cos he loved me so much n wanted to do everything with me... i told him i'l b hurt if i found out tat he's been doin things behind my back n i told him to do wateva he wanted...but he promised n said i'l neva find out anything cos he wud neva do anything without me to begin with... so yea... coming bac to delhi, i was hurt... all i cud think was i'v been giving up on everything in life just to b with him n he has fun without me knowing well i'd b hurt.... so then i thot sod it, if he can have fun so can i.... so met this guy at the wedding reception,, he was swedish n seriously nice... he seemed to like me n he was flirting with me big tym... so we went for a little walk n i showed him pics frm my fone n we spoke abt general stuff...i really din kno wat i was doin.. al i wanted to do was hurt to get him bac for wat he did to me.... n so we stood there talkin n my cousin found us in the 3rd floor talkin to each other... my da was rite behind him... my dad was furious n he took me back down... but this swedish guy was decent enough to apologise... he apologised to my brother n my cousins... so finally i messaged this guy tellin him everything tat happened... i cald him the next day n he was furious n he din talk to me properly,, i begged him to come back to home n i told him i missed him...i told him i wanted to c him on new year's... but he din bother.. he partied there al the tym n came bac at his own pace n he acted lyk everything was normal.... i was seriously hurt.... i'v cried without end thinking abt these things...
six months bac i found out a lot of things from him.... that female cald up n she asked me wat was goin on between me n him.... she told me a lot of things abt him after i told her he was only my closest friend... she told me how no one in her family neva spoke to her for yrs after she ran away with him n how her brother dosen talk to her still... i cried n cried... i had no one to talk to n i cried so much... the next day he cald up lyk nothing happened even though he knew wel wat had happened cos wen he went bac home tat nyt i was still on the fone with her n she askd him to talk to me n he disconnected the cal.... oh yea n he was supposed to b living on his own... he said he'd moved out n he dosen even visit them anymore... wen i askd him abt it, he din hav an answer n acted like i was trying to ruin things... he had told her a lot of things abt me as well lyk how i was pestering him to talk to me n he wasn interested n how he's planned to go settle down in dubai so he dosen hav to talk to me... i found out so many things like he had been having sex with her almost everyday wen he promised me he dosen even talk to her or go to her place properly.... again wen i askd him he only told me tat i was being paranoid n gulped down everything she said... n he told me if i din trust him i don hav to talk to him anymore... he told me that she knew abt us n was trying her best to ruin our relationship.... she also told me how wen he started seeing her, he wud take her to his mother's place al the tym... again he told me i was the first person he ever took to his house n i was the one he wanted to share his childhood memories....he'd do anything for his kids n i told him i wanted him to b mine n only mine.... he said he din like his kids as much as he liked me.... i was a kid myself n i needed attention.... i got that... i cant complain.... he gave me his attention full tym... his other life was only wen he wasn with me.... al the tym he was living a double life, two timing me n i thot there was nothing more in the world he loved other than me.... after al this i still love him.... i dunno why but i really do love him a lot n i kno i'l always love him....

The Story of ME

The story of My Life....find joy in difficult tyms..... laugh at wateva happens to u n u'l neva run out of things to laugh at..... find the best in life when u r goin thru the worst.... u
suffer because you know wat joy is n u appreciate happiness cos u've suffered.... okay, so u might wonder why im saying (writing) random philosophical stuff.... here's the thing, these are the few things that keep me alive... i cry everyday n
inspite of it all i manage a smile... it makes my day.... so wat everyone has problems... mine cant b nethin compared to the problem that ppl face.....but im here to share a few things.... i goof up all the tym... i always find myself in one mess or the other... i always ask God why things happen to me always...like my life is ****ed up.... lyk seriously....I'm in love.... my relationship status is complicated.... but then there has to b some complication or it wont b a relationship.... the boat does not always sail
smoothly... i kno that.... I'm in love with my dad's friend.... yea i kno.... his lyf is complicated as well.... he was married quite sometym back n divorced n went away with another gurl
who was already married.... why do we always fall for the worst of 'em all.... but noooo..... he is the best of em all..... i kno his past is not very nice n am a
total idiot to b with him but i fell in love before i knew these things.... exactly.... so yeah... it all started when i was in class 11.... when i was in class 11 i'd
known him for quite a few years.... then i started admiring him.... for wateva he was.... or mayb for wateva i assumed he was.... i was secretly crushing on him
before i knew it.... then i distracted myself by gettin into another relationship with another very good looking guy.... he was okay.... n we were okay til my
parents found out..... there were lotsa complications n i tried to make it work.... n then i realised i din wan to b with him nor did i love him n i was only trying
to fool myself.... the truth is you understand what you really want only when u suffer for something you dont want.... you dont want to suffer.... so this is wen
my man interfered.... i started talkin to him a lot in class 12. i was talkin to him to get relationship advice..... i loved him even more (unconsciously ofcourse).
then when there was hardly 3 months for my board exams, things started fallin into place (or so i thot). i spoke to him on new year's eve n fought with him n
then made up with him... then we started mailing each other n then he came to visit me (he was in a different city). he stayed in my room since my grandmum
was in town n she was using the guest room... i spent a lot of tym with him under the pretence that i had to go to the room (it s my room afterall). we jus
spoke random stuff. after he left, we started chattin online a lot.... ne spare tym i was online talkin to him... i always thanked the internet for that... i stopped
concentrating on my studies (not that i ever did otherwise). but he insisted that i study. he visited me twice more b4 my mum found me sneakin to his room at
3 in the mornin.... gawd, i know... it was horrible. i just told her i had to get some stuff but she wasn convinced.... shrewd woman my mum.... oh my mum is
not the best mother.... she might've done things with best intentions but well it din work out.... she was neva really nice to... ryt from the tym i cud remember...
she went the wrong way abt bringing me up... weneva she did something horrible to me, i used to think,,,, mum if u do this im neva gonna learn...wat?? i was
rebellious.... she made me rebellious... n i had no idea wat evolution meant till i was in class 8... actually i had no idea wat a lotta things meant... even now i
hav a lotta things to learn... we all do....ok random...c the thing with my mum is she s a politician.... exactly.... my dad is a total sweetheart.... oh well he is not
perfect either,,, he has an affair with a t.v artist..... gawd,,,,, now u c wat i mean wen my life s truly fucked up?
ok, now i'l begin with my mum n dad.... my dad din wanna get married but then his mum made an arrangement to meet my mother... wen my dad first met
her, he thot she was okay n so they got married... i think it was a few years or so b4 they got married n they used to hang out together n stuff b4 gettin
married. my mum was frm a different city, so after they got engaged she came to my dad's city n lived in a hostel for i think a few years or so to do her
studies... so they knew each other pretty well n my dad cud'v pulled out if he din like her. but he did lyk her... not til after they were married did my dad find
out things n qualities that he din like.... so finally they had my brother n me. Oh my brother is total prick,, he s 2 yrs older than me n acts like he owns the
world.... then my mum got into politics n my parents din get along well.... my dad did his best but my mum is an arrogant lady n she has to have her own
way... she has done things that no woman wud do... like taking off her thali (equal to a wedding ring) n throwing it at my dad... she is not a good daughter nor
a good wife n not a good mother certainly.... actually now she s okay. her arrogance has gone down,,,, but wen i was still doing my school,,, it was a total
nightmare.... i din want to b around her.... i talked my dad into sending me off to boarding school. i was supposed to go to the American school (kodai
international) in kodaikanal or St.Peter's which was equally good but my mum ruined evcerything n made me go to a private school which was bloody strict
and was supposed to produce brilliant results in the boards.... i stayed there for 4 days,,, with my dad staying in the local government guest house... but i
finally somehow got back to my old school.... i would like to thank my stars who are my 3 best frens Conney, Caroline & Beverly cos without them i wudn
have survived my higher secondary.... my mum was always horrible n my frens stuck with me thru her shit... my frens n i went to kodai for a few days with my
mum....we have a house there.... we had amazing fun.... but after we came back things started turning upside down.... my mum told me i cant have any
friends..... once wen i had gone to Conney's new house for house warming, without telling my mum ofcourse, she somehow found out n she blasted me,,,, she
called Beverly's mum n screamed at her.... Beverly n Caro are twins and their mum is really amazing... the funniest thing s my mum n their mum share the
same birth date... Beverly's mum din appreciate my company nemore n i cudn hang around their place after that....but Bev n Caro wer stars n they din lemme
down.... My mum din even want me to invite them for my next birthday....i felt horrible for being born in this family......
N wen 'My Man' came in i felt like the luckiest person on earth.... i thot n still think he s the best thing to ever happen to me..... finally we accepted our love
wen he came down 2 my place on january 10.... that was wen he told me he loved me n i told him i loved him as well... i was confused n askd him if wat we
wer doin wasn wrong.... he told me it might b very unusual but it wud b very wrong to not share the love.... he said he cud not help falling in love with me n
he is not ashamed to accept the way he felt towards me.....naturally, i melted..... we kissed n it was the best kiss ever.... i thot i wud die of pleasure but only
now do i realise that we take guilty pleasure in doing forbidden things.... like the forbidden fruit.... its two years now n we are still together... i still love him
the same way actually even more than i used to love him.... 3 months into our relationship he told me abt his past (sensored version ofcourse) n i thot i was
lucky because he was honest enough to tell me the truth n i'd rather he was the one to tel me than somebody else.... he told me he'l understand if i din love
me nemore,,, how can i not love him?? although now it seems like a trick every guy wud use to keep the girl.... i moved to his city as in i went to college
there...actually im still in college there. it wasn easy, my mum wudn let me go n she only wanted me to do engineering n i wanted to do pilot training. but
then because of wat was happening i decided to get a basic arts degree first.So now im doing my Bachelors in English. Oh no...! jus cos im doin English don
expect me to use big words...i cant cos honestly i don kno any. As soon as i joined the college i stayed in the college hostel ni went out to meet him almost
every day. While all my frens wer out partying n chilling, i spent every spare moment with him or talkin to him on the fone or thinking abt him. i din realise i
was missin out on so much. All i ever knew was him. but things weren that easy. we fought every single day. Obviously it was about the girl he lives with n
has two kids with... no they are not married... they jus live-in together. He told me that they din commit nething from each other n the babies happened cos
they wer livin under the same roof.Now his version of his past,,,, he was dating some chic n they wer steady for 4 years...this female who he s with now was her best friend (i kno,,, its even more
lame than the O.C,, atleast O.C was interesting) so after four years he started goin aroun with his girlfren's best friend. Then her parents came to kno n there
was a lot of problems. Then apparently he got married out of compulsion n he n his wife din get along... so he divorced her n lived on his own for two years...
by the tym this female also got married to someone else n she wasn happy cos her husband was not treating her well..... so out of the blue she came to him n
asked him to take her in with him... so he did cos he din have nething else to do in life. he conviniently forgot to mention to me that the girl he was married
to was not some random girl,,, he was in love with her n only after that did he start goin around with this other female...so jus a few days before the wedding
he had thrown a fuss n said that he din wan2 get married to her. Gawd,,, im crying... its weird to put it down in words like this.... i mean it sounds even more
worse than it had seemed before. so yea, his people forced him into it at the end.... he wasn divorced for two years,,, his wife lived with his mother. but he
just left her n ran away with this other female. they lived in different places for a few months n then came back... his wife din even know he was still with her
til that female had his baby.... Jesus,, help me thru this.... only after he had the child did his wife give him divorce. The other female had concieved earlier as
well wen they had run away but the baby was aborted naturally because she was weak. I guess it must'v been hell with the girls family... actually they had run
away thrice before the girl came back to him for good.... My lovely Man forgot to mention these tiny details to me.... n after a year into our relationship he told
me he was moving out n that he was goin to live in his mother's house. We meet in his mother's house al the tym cos the risk quotient is high for us to b
spotted together outside. i used to sneak out of my grandmum's house to meet him n one nyt wen i went there for my first weekend after joining the hostel, i
sneaked out n got caught.... i got screwed royally.... my mum n dad wer shocked n they wanted me to get back home... after a lot of talkin i managed to stay.
then 4 months later we had gone to a beach resort for lunch n one of that female's friend saw us together n told her.... she kept calling him n he pretended to
not kno wat she was talikn abt,,, we lefty the place in a hurry, the food untouched... on the way back he asked me to plug in my ipod n not listen to a word
he was sayin on the fone.... i obediently did so.... he was on the fone talkin to her al the tym, probably sayin he loved her n no body else n he wudn hav
dreamed of cheating on her, n i was obediently listening to random songs in full blast with no idea of wat he was upto.... thats how much i trust him.... i drank
up every word he told me.... every nyt i used to cry of guilt... the way i was doing wrong to that female n shattering my father's trust.but at the end of it al i'd
think im doin this cos i love him n this is wat i want... thats me.... id do nething if i want something. if i want it i want it, fullstop. but being human i cud not
hide from my own consciouness n guilt.... so i cried.... many tyms wen i tried to tell him how i felt he did not even want to listen n he wud fight with me n
switch off his fone n not call me for days... i'd sit in the hostel n cry al the tym.... only then did i understand wat pain really meant.... wen i think of my school
days, i wan2 laugh...my school days wer the best days of my life... i'd giv nething to go back..... neways comin bac to the present, a few month s after the
beach resort incident i went n stayed with him for two days in his mum's house. no one knew ofcourse. i had told the warden i was goin home... i thot of that
place as home cos he sweared to me that i was the first gurl he wanted to take to his childhood home. he said i was the only one with whom he wanted to
share his happy childhood memories.... n then those two days he was there with me for sometym n he wud leave me n go for hours... the 2nd day he went out
at 11 n din come bac til 5.... i din want to spend tym with the house. i wanted to b with him. n wen i told him so n askd him wat he had been upto, he was
furious n told me i din hav to stay cos i din trust him. so i told him fine i'l go out with one of my guy frens to the iit college festival's dance nyt... he got
furious n he drove me to the college n literally tried to throw me out of the car... i cried a lot n he took me bac home, on the way he told me tat i cud not get
away with everything n he'l cut me to size. stung by his words i got out of the car in the middle of the road (without slippers) n walked to some random
place... stuck in the traffic he cudn find me... he kept callin n i din answer... finally wen i answered he yelled at me n askd me wer i was... wen i told him he
came n picked me up n tried to drop me at my friend's place.... i pleaded with him n told him that i din wanna go newhr n cudn handle nething n i wanted to
go sleep... finally he took me bac home n left me there alone the whole nyt n went off somewhr... i drank a bottle of beer n went to sleep. as it happens he
told me he went to his aunt's place n stayed the nyt there n promised me he din go to that female's place. as it happens that female's friend had seen him at a
commercial centre whr we usually hang n had told her.. she cald him n pestered him cos he was supsd to b out of town,,, so after he left me in his mother's
place he went of to cuddle with her for the nyt.oh ni forgot to mention it was her birthday as well(i din kno then). the next day my parents found out n i once
again fucked. they din kno i was with him, but stil i was out for two days n nobody knew whr i was. my parents still don know whr i was.i felt really guilty for
putting my parents thru all this... but i was still smitten by him,.... lyk completely.... the thing is if he jus wanted to hav a ball with me he wud'v dumped or left
me wen i told him i wanted to end the relationship.... i broke up with him many tyms but he neva let go of me. We wer stil together,,,,, this s wat makes me think that he really loves me even though he really loved a lot of people before....somewhr below all this unpleasantness, somewhr deep down, i believe he truly loves me....but wateva it is i kno i love him and tats wat matters to me...
Oh no,,, its not over yet.... im not done... this is only jus the begining... jus the briefing of the situation.... u think this s bad?? trust me, it gets worse.... if u want me to continue, pls leave in ur comments... im not ready for advices n its not lyk i listen to advice neway,,, if i did i wud'v been in a different person...pls don b judgemental....im not n tats why im still in love.... but pls b honest with me n say wat u think.... i've a lot more to say....